Grape Jelly, Past, Future, and Present
Grape jelly is one of the pleasures in life that is so tragically undervalued that the worth of the syrupy grape confection only comes to the front after it is gone. Witness that American soldiers have always carried foiled handy packs of grape jelly with them to dole out to contrary partisans to help achieve victory with the hungry populaces.
Grape jelly has been under development for thousands of years. Frozen tissue samples of ancient woolly mammoths show that they enjoyed grape jelly with their breakfasts before the last ice age ended most grape production in Europe.
Speaking of the last ice age, ancient humans who plied the frozen wastes were said to be great masters of freezer grape jelly, having perfected the slushy grape recipes so favored by Eskimos, even today. It is even more miraculous since wild grape jelly was so hard to come by since grape jelly freezes at 32F. However, frozen grape jelly does make a delicious grape jelly slush pop. Jelly jars are optional in tundra like climes. Grape jelly is often buried as is, and has been known to last for centuries in this frozen state.
The great kings of the lower eastern quadrant in Mesopotamia enjoyed grape jelly with their morning breakfast of toast, sausage and eggs, which no doubt led to their late demise at the hands of undernourished and angry mobs who had only onion soup each morning. This is where the well worn phrase, “Let them eat onions” was born.
Even today in the poorer countries, only the rich are able to afford and enjoy the delicious purple gelatinous residue, while the commoners must make do with whatever low hanging fruits are to be found on the local trees. Man was not made to suffer with only bananas and coconuts alone. Even so, before using or consuming grape jelly many superstitious tribal constituents perform bizarre rituals like roasting pork strips and squeezing oranges.
In the early days of America, indigenous Indians who longed for grape jelly, and sick to death of indigenous muscadine grapes traded in valuable commodities like hatchets, iron ware, and gold for tiny portions of grape jelly shipped in from far away lands at great expense. Grapes, the large purple orbs of deliciousness were the most sought after trade goods of the era. Mayhaw jelly was scorned above all fruit gelatins!
Most peculiar of all were the practices of the ancient cliff dwelling peoples known as the Nungies, of the great southwest who made pepper jelly. Also, the much studied Hot Tail tribesmen of the burning wastes are another example of a long gone race of red men who never knew the joys of grape jelly, or even the wicked pleasures of sparkling grape juice. It’s one of the saddest annals in all of grape jelly history.
Even though promised by scared employees that other forms of jelly, such as the lowly mixed fruit juice jellies tastes just as good, the baton wielding residents were not fooled and rioted all the harder!
While the precise origin of grape jelly is quite unknown, suffice to say that historical and anecdotal evidence suggests that witnesses to the last great comet to impact the earth may have been enjoying grape jelly with their dinosaur eggs and bacon.
Grape jelly is the end result of growing grapes. While some prefer to drink their grape jelly in the form of grape wine, or wear their jams and jellies criss-crossed upon their foreheads in ancient supplication, most prefer to eat theirs slathered onto crunch toast. Chances are great that if it had not been for grape jelly, there would have been no bread, for bread is the greatest platform for the tasty and delicious grape jelly substance. Thus, we owe a debt of thanks to the little purple pill for hamburger buns.
Homemade wine is another way to preserve the grape, but grape jelly tastes better and is better for you, for no man ever wrecked his chariot after a grape jelly feast.
Grape jelly feasts were common in ancient Rome. The excuse was to celebrate the god of the grape during the “Festival of Grapenalia.” Hordes of commoners dined on toast and grape jelly while watching early Christians and tax collectors being devoured by ravenous lions and elephants in the great Colosseum.
The term “grape jelly” actually comes from the ancient French word, gele. The French are known to be a culture that enjoys grape jelly, perhaps even more than Hungarians.
In the 16th century, the Spanish used to take jars of jelly with them on their long voyages of discovery to eat with their dried fish aboard ship and to be used for trade goods with the local natives they met and enslaved. Once a population of ignorant savages is introduced to jelly, they will do anything for more, including turning out their own government.
The Aztecs prove this. Once a proud and mighty race of barbarians, they are no more because the Spaniards used their natural love for grape jelly to tear their society apart. Many a man had his heart cut from his living body in archaic rituals before the advent of the conqueror Pizarro first fed the proud Aztecians grape jelly, turning them to his purposes.
It may be a little known fact that Henry VII had one of his wives beheaded because she could not produce grape jelly for his morning repast.
Today, grape jelly is a common enough item. Children the world over prefer grape jelly above all other varieties. As one, they believe that it springs naturally from the refrigerator or little grape packets, for they have no concept of the perilous history of the grape, or the arduous processes that must be applied to it to transform it into the tasty purple spread that complements hot buttered toast.
After dogs, the naturally occurring grape is the most manipulated organism on earth. The grape comes in a bewildering plethora of colors and flavors. The most popular flavor of grape is…grape. After that, there are the white grapes, the red grapes, and the seedless grapes.
The Concord grape is the worlds favorite, as it is used almost exclusively in the production of Concord Grape Jelly, otherwise known as “royal jelly.” The other varieties are most commonly used in the production of wine, or simply as naturally occurring fertilizer to enrich the soil for the prized Concord grapes. Concord grapes are grown almost exclusively in Concord, Massachusetts.
Not so oddly, French people, who must import much of their grape jelly, often drink their grapes, which are fit only for making wine. This leads to the humorous “French Paradox, which has been the butt of so many jokes over the years. Science has shown that while the French have one of the lowest incidences of heart disease in the entire world, their average lifespan is only about 57 years. The most common cause of demise is liver failure.
Americans, however, enjoy living to the good old age of 77 and beyond. A direct correlation can be drawn to the love and respect that Americans have shown to grape jelly in all forms, whether it be spread on hot buttered toast, or squeezed between the two halves of a butter biscuit. Women, who eat even more grape jelly than men have live even longer.
The healthful pursuit of homemade grape jelly and biscuit making add invigorating years to the lives of women all over the fruited plains of the American nation. Even women with disabilities that allow them to make only canned biscuits show marked increases in vitality. No doubt, alteration of molecular mechanisms in blood vessels, reducing susceptibility to vascular damage is the reason for the increased lifespan of Americans through the enjoyment of grape jelly.
It is with this happy note that we wish to welcome you to the most respected Internet Grape Jelly Journal in existence, and that is the world famous GrapeJelly.org website. Scientifically valid, heralded by scientists and short order cooks alike, it goes with your lifestyle like bacon to the egg and grape jelly to the made from scratch biscuit! Tender grapes make the most tender grape jelly. Come with us as we explore the wonders of Grape Jelly!