‘Homemade Wine’

How To Make Homemade Grape Wine the Natural Way

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There is something to be said for homemade grape wine. It’s more expensive than the bought kind and it’s a fine waste of grape jelly, but then on the positive side, you have a killer hangover to show for it.

So, you fancy yourself as the little old neighborhood wine maker huh? Well, you best check with your local alcohol and beverage board, because you’re hot buttered toast without grape jelly slathered on it if the revenooers catch you. On the on the other hand, some states make provision for home folks to make a certain amount of homemade grape wine for personal use. But, if you get caught selling it out of the back door, once again, you’re in for hefty jail time when the feds frog march you to the local calaboose. (And confiscate all your makings and product for scientific analysis down at the county lockup.

So, the question you must ask yourself is… DO I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES? Well, do you…punk?

Ok, so you have what it takes. So what to do first? If you’re a lousy wine maker, the first thing to do is to locate your local moonshiner and obtain a gallon of PGA. PGA is the scientific name for Pure Grain Alcohol. With that, you can make several gallons of wine by mixing grape juice in with the PGA. You can make your wine any percentage of alcohol you like. If you run it over 20% by volume, you can call it Port Wine, if you like.  Over 40%, grape brandy. Or just refer to it simply, Old Busthead.

Let’s get started making grape wine!

First, if you are in a hurry you need to grab up some yeast. You can order fancy wine yeast from the internet. In fact, it may be advertised right over there on that Google ad you have been ignoring for the last ten minutes. Or, you can run down to the grocery store, and pick up some bread yeast. Bread yeast is great for making bread, but maybe no so great for making old busthead grape wine. You may end up with a loaf of wine instead of gallon, but you be the judge.

Next you need to procure some citric acid. It is available through gubment sources, chemistry sets, or if you are a purist, by squeezing a lemon. Again, let your purity and conscience be your guide. Just note that anytime you involve the gubment in likker or grape wine making, you’re begging for trouble! They may not want to drink your product, but they will sure tax it or lock you up if they catch you making too much, or trying to sell it out the back door.

Tannin is another popular ingredient. I know you are thinking that it will make your wine bitter and undrinkable, but do not worry. After the 3rd slug, you won’t notice the difference. To get tannin, once again, you can raid the kid’s chemistry set, boil tree bark, or just keep a tea bag handy. Tea contains tannin. Makes you wonder why you ever drank the stuff on a hot day, risking leather innards…as it is also good for tanning animal fur.

Lastly, you’ll need to have a supply of pectolase on hand. Not commonly available at the corner drugstore, you can get it from wine making supply houses. It’s used to get the haze out of your drink. The LAST thing you want is murky wine. You have NEVER ever gone to the likker store to purchase a bottle of commercially produced murk wine. The reason is…they use pectolase. It was invented by the Order Of The Pecto Monks, in 1693 in Lase, Switzerland. The inventor, Yorn Bourke died in a lab explosion the following year.

Your grape wine making laboratory out in the back yard fully stocked, the last and final component is the grape juice it self. You can get it from a handful of grapes run through a wine press, stomped, or pre-smushed. Grape wine making dealers even offer the stuff as a concentrate in a can. You thin it with branch water.
When you are quite ready, pour all of the grape making ingredients into a well scrubbed bathtub, porcelain vessel, clean butter churn, or an empty milk jug. Shake well, and put on a warm shelf. If you use the milk jug method, do not under any circumstances screw the lid on tight. Grape wine mash has killed more makers than lightning. The pressures built up in the fermentation process can turn your milk carton into a ticking time bomb. On the other hand, if you do want to blow it up, why not bury it adjacent to an old stump in the yard and get worth from your investment!